Jean, Can You Spare a Mattress?
by batman100
Summary: Ever wonder what sort of madness would transpire if Jean fell in a coma and The X-Men had to buy a new mattress to wake her up? Wonder no more.


**Jean, Can You Spare a Mattress?**

"Ahh, nothing like a beautiful morning!" Scott smiled, breathing in the crisp snowy air as he was seated in the TV lounge with Peter in the mansion

"And how! There's absolutely *nothing* that could break the peace of the air!" Peter boasted, taking a bite of his donut

"AAARRGH!" Jean roared in the upper area of the mansion. Scott spat his coffee on cue

"Did…my food do that?" Peter asked, amazed by the sudden human nature of his meal before jumping to a huge misunderstanding "The mansion is HAUNTED! HAUNTED!" He screamed, shaking Scott in horror

"What the hell's going on here?! Hope and Aliya were sleeping in, now you and Lady Loud Mouth woke them up!" Madame Hydra barked, her face covered in a mud mask

"Madame, listen, it's not what you think! Oh save me!" Peter blubbered, kissing Madame Hydra's feet

"Knock it off! Sheesh, I really *hate* to see a mutant grovel" Madame Hydra grumbled in disgust before Jean entered

"Ugh…sorry about the loud wake up call, guys. Urgh…my mattress…uh…hurts…can't…see….straiiight" Jean drawled before collapsing on the floor

"AAGH! It's the MATTRESS! It's POSSESSED!" Peter screamed before bellowing "BEGONE, WHOEVER POSSESSETH JEAN'S BODY, THOU ART NOT SANITARY ENOUGH TO KISS ON THE BUTT!"

"…Ok..." Scott replied, astonished, as the X-Gang had their jaws dropped by Peter's overacting of The Exorcist

"Someone please tell me what in the name of sanity is going on here?!" Logan asked ferociously before gasping at Jean's comatose state "Scott! What did you DO?!"

"Now wait a minute! Let's just calm down and just take her to the medical lab. Hank seems smart enough to find out what's wrong" Scott stated

"Yeah, right. That's the guy who made a huge embarrassment over the Twinkie incident" Logan snorted

"I HEARD THAT!" Hank bellowed before calming down and ordering "Paging Nurse Rogue, please take Ms. Grey to Room 90210 please"

"Yes, your Majesty" Rogue grumbled sarcastically, wheeling Jean into the lab

Later…

"What's the cause, Hank? Heart attack? Aneurysm? Brain failure? Constipation?" Scott asked hysterically, with Peter's armored hand on his shoulder

"Well…" Hank started before Scott blubbered hysterically

"NOOOO! Why?! Why has this happeneth to me?" Scott ranted before Rogue strangled him

"Get a goddamn hold of yourself, for crying out loud!" Rogue bellowed, slapping Scott's face

"Was that necessary?" Tabitha asked as Scott rubbed his sore cheek in pain

"I was in the moment" Rogue confessed with a self-absorbed grin before Hank started again

"As I was saying…the cause is a stage of monetary stasis lock, aka cash coma. Thus, the coma will not cease until Jean has a new mattress ASAP!" Hank explained as the X-Men were clearly confused

"Let me get this straight…you're asking *us* to go to a crappy mattress store, get said crappy item, pay a lousy million dollars for said load of crap, so Red can get up from this so-called 'coma' Right?" Logan snarled sarcastically

"In a manner of speaking" Hank responded with a goofy smile

"OH WHAT THE…" Logan started before Scott placed duct tape over Logan's mouth

"Thank you. Jeez, I couldn't take his griping" Hank heaved before shooing the X-Men out for their highly important assignment

Meanwhile…

"Here it is: Mattress Empire; Selling Mattresses across the US" Scott cheered, saying the slogan which ironically was on the billboard ad

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's just buy the damn mattress and get this over with" Rogue snorted, entering in the shop

"Remind me to duct tape *her* mouth" Logan whispered to Scott as they entered and gasped at the areas of the shop. Mattresses, big and wide as far as the naked eye-ahem, I mean human-no no, *mutant* eye can see. That said, I'll let the mutants do the talking

"Who said that?" Lance asked, looking around

"The narrator, duh" Rogue grunted, passing him by. Oh and Rogue, please for God's sakes keep the insults to a minimum? Thank you very much. On with the fanfic!

"Sheesh, talk about drama" Rogue grumbled as Scott bounced up and down on a king-size mattress "Wait a minute. What in…Scott! Knock it off!"

"Oops" Scott replied, before making a cannonball which catapulted him into the air to come crashing on top of Rogue like a meteor "Whoo-hoo! Who wants to hop and go next?!"

"Ugh…I should've stayed at the mansion with Jean" Rogue moaned, squished by Scott's pose

"Hey um, Kitty, can I ask you something?" Lance asked in the king-size mattress section

"Did you find something?" Kitty asked

"No. The question is…did the guys here *really* have to make this xtra-xtra-xtra-xtra large" Lance gasped, standing behind a gigantic king-size mattress big enough for a giant

"Jack and the Beanstalk called; they want their golden goose back!" Victor joked

"Yeah, yeah, very funny. Hardee-har-har" Madame Hydra muttered sarcastically

"See any good buys, Logan?" Bobby asked as Logan stared at him with an uninterested look

"Why yes, why not try the...the, water bed!" Logan hollered as the X-Gang spotted Logan's object of interest

"It's perfect, perfect, perfect! How much?!" Logan asked hysterically

"Um…I don't think I should be telling you this, but.." Scott moaned before whispering into Logan's ear. Logan's eyes rolled back into his head and collapsed on the floor

"Well? How much for that thing?" Warren asked. Scott looked at him and Warren then understood how absurd the question is "Ok, we'll buy it!"

One mattress purchase later…

"Ugh! Jeezaloo, this thing's heavy! The hell with water, this thing should've been labeled a rockbed, instead!" Logan grunted, trying in vain to get the waterbed into the back of the van

"It's only a medium size, no biggie. And also be very careful: That waterbed is the only thing to get Jean out of her coma, remember?" Scott hollered

"Yeah, yeah, remind me to 'thank' that quack McCoy for such a 'spending' errant" Logan responded sarcastically

"You mean splendid, right?" Bobby piped up

"Zip it Frosty, before I stick this thing up your pipe and smoke it!" Logan roared, before finally getting the item into the van

"What's a pipe and smoke it, anyway?" Bobby asked a redneck teen standing by the street. In fury to that comment, the redneck gave Bobby a middle finger before driving off on his motorcycle in disgust, leaving a large billow of smoke

"Wait a minute! Was it something I said?!" Bobby choked, as the smoke entered his windpipe

"A-ha! That's your answer! The gas entered your wind *pipe* so now you're breathing it in, thus you *smoke* it! Get it, pipe and smoke it?! Ha-ha! What a gas!" Logan cackled hysterically. Scott muttered under his breath as the X-Van drove off, Logan's laughter echoing throughout the drive

Back at the mansion…

"Well, Hank…we drove several miles, went through several amounts of trouble…from Logan's constant insults, the mattress prices, and I think I was imagining, but I think I saw a Canadian guy flip Bobby off. So now we have the waterbed mattress which we had to go through a *lot* of trouble to get. What do you think, Jean?" Scott asked, exhausted over the trip "Um, Jean?" He asked, snapping his fingers

Jean however, was completely in slumber, enjoying her latest mattress, snoring lightly while enjoying the soothing flow of water inside the mattress

"Well, thank goodness that's done with" Logan gasped as he and the X-Crew were in the TV lounge

"Yeah, that waterbed works like a charm; Jean sure seems to like it" Lance grinned

"Yeah, you can hear her snore a mile away" Logan snorted before turning to Scott "Which reminds me…what about the old mattress?"

"Old mattress?" Scott asked, confused

"Yes Scott, the old mattress that got us into this mess." Logan snapped

"Let me see…as I recall, I think Pyro was burning it with his flamethrower…Oops" Kurt winced as Logan glared savagely, fire coming out of his ears

"Uh-oh" Scott winced, covering his ears

"_**WHAT**_?!" Logan thundered, before charging savagely toward Pyro's cabin, grabbing the mattress, and ferociously chewed it to bits like a mad animal

"Hey Logan, I was just going to thank you for that new waterbed and...What the hey?" Jean asked in horror as Logan munched on the pillowcases like crazy, foam dripping out of his mouth

"I didn't see anything…I saw nothing, I know nothing…thank *god* for Hogan's Heroes" Jean muttered, walking out of the room


End file.
